Three Bad Communicating Habits

Communicating effectively is a learned skill. It takes some time and effort, but before you know it will be second nature. As we continue discussing communication techniques, let's look at some ineffective--or even inappropriate--ways of engaging other people.

Harking back to the previous post about my escapades with my teenagers when they had their wisdom teeth removed, three patterns (think "bad habits") sometimes emerge when communicating with others, and are personified as: The Tell-All, The Braggart, and The Gab.

The Tell-All communicator doesn't know boundaries. Fortunately, this can be learned. It might seem like common sense not to open up to strangers and acquaintances with all kinds of personal information, but common sense really doesn't have a lot to do with it. I remember as a child watching and listening to my parents and grandparents when they talked with other adults. I noticed that they talked about "boring things" with people they didn't know well (the weather, sports, gardening, trivia) and only got into the "touchy-feely" stuff with their close friends. My grandmother taught me to never ask people about how much money they make, never to use the words "sex" or "pregnant" in public, don't interrupt people while they're talking, and always use polite words like "please" and "thank you."

Like Tristan in the wisdom teeth story, the tell-all gives Too Much Information (referred to as TMI). You'll hear tell-all types at the office, parties, church, and anywhere conversations are going on. They talk about details of their hemorrhoid surgery, their spouse's public nose-picking habit, how many times they tried to get pregnant and the methods they used, and an assortment of other personal things that should be be kept private.

There's a time and place to talk about your secret fantasies (maybe), and standing around the water-cooler at work or the coffee bar at church is not one of them. Details about your personal life are best kept for the people who care about you the most. If you realize that these traits might be describing you, take a step back. Restrain yourself in conversations. Keep the subject-matter G or PG rated and stick to topics that would be of interest to your listeners. Think of it this way; if you were asked to be the guest speaker for your company's 25th anniversary celebration, would you feel comfortable at the microphone telling an audience of a thousand people about how eating broccoli gives you killer flatulence? Probably not. Let's hope not. If you wouldn't broadcast that information to a thousand co-workers, don't announce it to the guy working in the next cubicle or the woman sitting beside you on the pew either.

The Braggart communicator doesn't know when to stop boasting. If someone says he ran a mile in 4.8 minutes, the braggart announces he did it in 4.7. If  a person shares that she graduated with a 3.8 grade point average, the braggart chimes in about her own 3.9. The braggarts aren't making things up; they may very well have been the best at what they did, but their conversations always seem to be of one-upmanship.

Like Jeff trying to prove he could do push-ups right after awaking from anesthesia, a braggart not only thinks he can do the difficult or impossible, but makes sure everyone around him knows about it as well. Now, there's nothing wrong with having self-confidence, recognizing your strengths, or being proud of accomplishments, but if you want to be included in conversations and be thought of as a great communicator, be willing to let other people shine. Ironically, those who are thought of as being great communicators often listen much more than they talk.

I used to be guilty of one-upmanship when I was younger, especially when it came to my children. If I was in a conversation with a group of women and one of them said they had x-number of children, I would make sure she knew that I had more (and I really did, believe me). If someone's little Billy or Susie  made the honor roll at school, then I was sure to mention how my home-schooled children were testing out above grade level. Thankfully I eventually realized that life wasn't all about me and mine. Everyone should have a chance to be in the spotlight. My worth doesn't come from being better or having more than somebody else. Let others have a turn at bragging a little. Share in their joy and don't be reluctant to praise their accomplishments. Then, and only then, if someone asks about you and yours, offer a comment and do it with a modicum of humility.

The Gab communicator just doesn't know when to stop talking. A gab dominates conversations, pausing only long enough (or short enough) to take a quick breath (infrequently inhaling an unsuspecting flying insect) and continue. You can tell when a gab is talking because the people around him or her will be fidgety, glassy-eyed, or looking around (hoping to escape). Gabs go on and on, talking about an issue that everyone else has long lost interest in or jumping from one topic to another to another. When someone else makes a comment--or tries to--the gab immediately jumps in with more commentary.

Like Summer, who kept blabbering non-stop while under the influence of sodium brevitol, a gab is in a state of constant chatter. If you think this might be you, learn to exercise self-control. Remember, a conversation takes place between two or more people. This means that other people must be allowed to verbally contribute. If you're the only one doing the talking or doing the majority of it, then it isn't really a conversation, it's a speech. Learn to recognize non-verbal cues. If the people around you are yawning, fidgeting, frequently looking away (maybe even backing away inch by inch), glancing at their watches or the clock, stop. You can say something like, "Oh, I'm sorry! I've been dominating the conversation. Forgive me." Then listen to what the other person has to say. Without interrupting. Keep in mind the adage that God gave people two ears and one mouth so they can listen twice as much as they speak.

While bad communication habits are learned, the good news is that they can be replaced with constructive ones. Good communication begins with listening. To recap, be mindful of what you say, how you say it, and how long it takes you to say it. Now grab your cup of joe and go out there to be the great listener you were meant to be!